TW: Suicide, Death

Let’s get to the point, much like the event, but suicide is an abrupt stop for the ones left behind. All death is tragic, but nobody gets to say goodbye, to hold their hand at a last gasp when they are alone under a tree in the Cascades.

I know that is a very specific example, but in the end that is all he left us with. Those sudden losses imprint on you deeply. As I grow older, I lose more and more— no less tragic— but face it, we are all getting old. Decades have been granted us; others turn their back to it.

A coda is better than being a forte note. Perhaps that’s just me being selfish. It’s been fifteen years, and I often wonder at his loss and its indelible impact on our family.

Time doesn’t heal all wounds, it only allows us to adapt, if we can, to a life forever altered — N. Peart

This quote gives me some healing because of the honesty. The pain from his departure will never leave. Even now, a song will come on, reminding me of my big brother, that will elicit deep feelings. As the abrupt anniversary rolls around again, my sadness rolls deeper, if only for what he is missing.

We are only left with memory, and even that can be fleeting as we age. But I remind myself: I am aging. There was something my brother always said:

Are you breathing? Then you’re having a good day. — T. White

All I can say to him now is, yes, I still have good days.