I used to have a great ass. People complimented me on my ass. Men and women whistled after it. I had an off-the-shelf body where every pair of jeans fit just right. I was proud of that ass.
Then I lost it. Gone with the ravages of time. What would sixteen me say if I told him?
Me: Hey, sixteen me.
Sixteen me: What do you want?
Me: Well, it’s about your ass.
Sixteen me (suspicious): What about it?”
Me: First, let me explain. In 2005 you are going to develop an opiate addiction.”
Sixteen me: Okay, that sounds bad. (impatient) What happens to my ass?
Me: Well, during, your addiction you will gain sixty pounds….
Sixteen me: That seems… problematic.
Me: Don’t worry, you will lose it
Sixteen me: And?
Me: most of it from your ass.
Sixteen me: Nooooooooooo!
My stomach hasn’t necessarily grown flatter, but my once off-the-shelf jeans sag like some sad, white guy imitation of 1994 hip-hop style. I have no ass. I have nothing left to keep my pants up.
You know why old guys wear suspenders? THEY HAVE NO ASS.
Ralph Waldo Emerson once said, “Growing old isn’t for cowards.” There are wrinkles where there once was none. Things creak, crack, and hurt. Things aren’t as perky as they once were. You are tired, droopy, and saggy.
I hear people complain about sagging boobs. But you know what? They are still boobs if you are into it. Boobs are always good in my book.
Men have something that sags and droops too. Even in the best of situations, no one wants to look at them. The ball sack is ugly enough that you would think it was some kind of evolutionary trait to scare things off (not that it would ward off a well-placed foot).
Nobody minds when the ball sack is pulled up tight. Out of sight, out of mind, mostly. Down around your knees is less attractive.
You know why you see old guys in speedos? WITHOUT THEM, THEY WOULD BE FREE BALLIN FOR THE WHOLE WORLD TO SEE!
Do you want to see that? No, much better an old man with no ass in a speedo. You just need some support. All you want is a little support.
Sixteen me: So, what about our hair? (hopefully) People really liked that too.
Me: (looks in the mirror) ummmm,
Sixteen me: Nooooooooooo!
j
Remain Lost 
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